


is it wrong to love you?

by rowrowrowthatsme



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Angst with a Happy Ending, Embarrassed Killua Zoldyck, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Love Confessions, M/M, implied leopika, killua deserves love, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29588103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowrowrowthatsme/pseuds/rowrowrowthatsme
Summary: Slowly, Killua let go of the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his chest along with his confession. It was freeing. Just once more, he wanted to say it one more time before swearing himself to silence for the rest of his life.“Gon, I lo—”Killua was stopped dead in his tracks when his bright blue eyes opened to find soft brown ones staring up at him.~~~Killua finally works up the courage to confess his feelings to Gon, but only while he's fast asleep. Or is he?
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 8
Kudos: 118





	is it wrong to love you?

Tonight was just like any other night.

Gon and Killua had spent the past couple of days traveling, finally having arrived in Yorknew City only a few hours ago. The pair had been visiting Whale Island for Aunt Mito’s birthday the previous week, so the bustling metropolis was quite the change from the tranquil little fishing village.

Their first stop was, of course, to get food. They stopped in at their favorite diner, ordering more food than any two people, even two teenage boys, could reasonably eat and devouring it all with ease. Once they’d had their fill, Killua insisted they stop for snacks before finally heading to their hotel for the night.

After checking in, the two settled into their shared room as they always did: Killua inspecting the room for anything suspicious, Gon flopping on the bed as if he’d never slept in one before, Killua flipping through the TV channels and eating chocolate robots while Gon showered, Gon nestling into the warm indent Killua had left on the couch while Killua showered and pretended that it was completely normal for his heart to be pounding after seeing his best friend, fresh out of the shower, curled up on the couch like a cat.

Like he said, tonight was just like any other night.

Except that on any other night, Killua was able to push all of his weirdly soft thoughts and emotions about Gon to the deepest recesses of his brain with relative ease in the span of his 10-minute shower.

But for whatever reason, tonight, his desperate attempts to compartmentalize were proving unsuccessful.

Maybe it was because Gon had returned from his shower and immediately started pouting about Killua loving chocolate robots more than he loved Gon.

Maybe it was because Killua had spent the past week observing Gon in his most comfortable and familiar setting. At home with his family. Around the small village where he grew up. In the woods on Whale Island.

Or maybe, just maybe, after several years of being in love with his best friend, Killua had finally run out of space to cram these overwhelming feelings that he was too afraid to properly admit to himself let alone share with anyone else.

‘Well, crap,’ Killua thought to himself, standing frozen in place as the water cascading from the shower-head gradually grew cold. ‘What the hell am I supposed to do now?’

After pondering this very pressing question for a few minutes without a single helpful idea coming to mind, Killua finally gave up, turning off the shower and grabbing a clean towel from the rack to dry off. He put on his navy blue pajamas (a gift from Aunt Mito for his 16th birthday last year), brushed his teeth, and towel-dried his hair before heading back into the main room with a forced casualness he desperately hoped Gon wouldn’t notice.

The slightly shorter boy was dozing off on the couch, but he perked up when Killua plopped down next to him, grabbing the remote and searching through the late-night programming in an attempt to busy himself with something. Killua could feel Gon’s eyes on him, but it was already taking everything he had to keep his heartbeat steady and his emotions at bay, so Killua kept his attention on the TV screen in front of him.

“Hey, Killua?” Gon’s voice broke the silence between them, his tone as energetic as ever despite his obviously tired state.

Killua let his gaze stray from the screen for just a moment, taking in Gon’s still-damp mess of hair, his soft green pajamas (also a gift from Aunt Mito), and his ever-present smile. Despite his stomach suddenly getting all fluttery and his heart frantically trying to pound its way out of his chest, Killua was able to keep his outward appearance cool.

“What’s up?” Killua responded with a strained tone of nonchalance to cover the whirlwind beneath the surface of his exterior.

“Leorio called while you were in the shower,” Gon explained, waving his phone in his hand before setting it down on the coffee table. “He said the ceremony starts at noon tomorrow, but if we just want to go to the party afterwards, we can come anytime after 2. And he said there would be lots of free food, and that if we somehow managed to convince the bartender that we’re over 18, he probably wouldn’t rat on us for underage drinking.”

Killua huffed in amusement at the very Leorio-like sentiment. “Probably?”

“Probably,” Gon giggled, the familiar sound bubbling up and forcing its way through Killua’s once-fortified defenses. “So, what do you think? Should we go to the ceremony or just the party?”

Killua had to fight the urge to shake his head, as if the physical motion would somehow rid his brain of thoughts of Gon. Of Gon’s smile. Of Gon’s eyes. Of Gon’s li—

No. Nope. Absolutely not. ‘ _Focus,_ stupid brain,’ Killua chastised himself mentally.

Alright. The ceremony. The reason why they were in Yorknew in the first place. After all these years, Leorio’s dream of becoming a doctor was finally coming true tomorrow at his white coat ceremony. Initially, it was supposed to be a surprise that Gon and Killua were coming. Kurapika, being the excellent boyfriend that he was, had called them a couple of months ago to arrange the whole thing, knowing that Leorio would be overjoyed to see his friends there. But alas, Kurapika’s master plan had fallen apart when Gon had accidentally mentioned it to Leorio a couple of weeks ago. Honestly though, Killua and Kurapika were both pretty surprised that Gon hadn’t let it slip earlier.

After thinking it over, Killua responded, “Well, honestly, the ceremony sounds _really_ boring.”

Gon nodded earnestly next to him, clearly having come to the same conclusion on his own.

“But we should probably go. Let’s just sit in the back so we can sneak out if it gets too boring.”

Killua would never admit it out loud, but he was actually really impressed by the time, effort, and passion that Leorio put into becoming a doctor. And besides, Leorio was their friend. And friends support each other. Even if that means sitting through dull speeches and excessive rounds of applause for two hours.

The brown-eyed boy heaved a big sigh, obviously dreading the thought of having to sit still for two hours straight.

“Yeah, I want to be there to cheer for Leorio when he finally becomes a doctor, but the rest of it just sounds _so_ boring,” Gon whined, his every emotion clearly displayed on his face and in his voice.

_Cute_. _Gon was so cu—_

_‘No_ , stop that. He’s your best friend, he’s not cute, stop it, stupid brain.’

Luckily for him, Killua’s internal struggle went completely unnoticed by his companion.

Unluckily for him, Gon decided now was a good time to make himself nice and comfortable, lying splayed out on the couch. With his head in Killua’s lap.

“It’s late now, we can text them in the morning to let them know we’ll be there.” Gon’s words were mumbled around a yawn as he shifted around to find a good position, finally settling on facing the television with his hands clasped loosely next to his head on Killua’s thigh.

But Killua had not heard a single word Gon had just said. His mind had gone completely blank the second the other boy’s head had landed softly in his lap. Was his heart even still beating? Or had it finally given up?

If his brain had been working even a little bit, Killua might’ve been able to laugh at the irony of it all. He had grown up being tortured, electrocuted, poisoned, you name it, he’d been through it at least a thousand times. His body had held up through it all. But now, at the ripe old age of seventeen, his heart was finally going to be taken out of commission by a soft head of spiky black hair plopped casually in his lap.

So why now? Touching between the pair was nothing new. This particular position, even, was nothing new. Over the years, they had spent countless hours like this. Gon falling asleep on Killua’s shoulder or lap on long airship rides. Gon cuddling up to Killua when they shared a bed. Gon laying down on top of Killua, both giddy and breathless after sparring for hours.

Gon always reaching out for Killua. Because, no matter how much he may want to reach out first for once, Killua is always too cautious, too anxious, too scared.

But Killua always wants to reach out. He spent a lot of time thinking about it, planning it, but never quite being able to cross whatever invisible barrier was stopping him.

Tonight, though, with his feelings for his best friend churning in his mind completely uninhibited, Killua wasn’t sure he could hold it in any longer.

With the patience of a (former) trained assassin, he sat unmoving in the quiet hotel room, the silence broken only by the murmur of the TV and the soft breaths of the boy in his lap. Despite knowing how quickly Gon tended to fall asleep, Killua wasn’t prepared to take any chances, so he waited for almost an hour after Gon’s breathing had evened out and his body had gone completely lax in slumber.

It took another few minutes for Killua to unclench his fist from the remote and work up the courage to do anything but stare at the sleeping figure in front of him.

“Gon?” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “Are you awake?”

When he sensed no movement or change in the rise and fall of Gon’s chest, Killua took a deep breath and decided to just go for it.

Slowly, Killua’s hand found its way to Gon’s freshly washed hair, gently carding through the soft strands. He almost pulled away when he thought about all the horrible things these hands had done, all the lives they had taken, all the blood they had spilled. Despite knowing that he didn’t deserve to even breathe the same air as, let alone touch, someone as pure and kind as Gon, Killua couldn’t bring himself to pull back.

As he was lulled into a more relaxed state by the repetitive motion and silky feel under his fingertips, Killua let his guard down just a bit.

“Gon? I know you can’t hear me right now, but… well, honestly that’s the only reason I can say this,” Killua began, a slight tremble in his quiet voice. “You already know that you’re my best friend. And nothing will ever change that.”

Killua’s breath caught in his throat as his brain started thinking about all the horrible things he could do, and had done in the past, that might make Gon hate him. Closing his eyes, he did his best to will away those thoughts that threatened to overtake his mind.

“At least… I don’t want us to ever stop being friends. You already know you’re the very first friend I ever made, but you’ve also been the most important person in my life for years now.” Killua paused, taking a shaky breath before continuing. “I know- I know it’s selfish, I know after everything I’ve done, I have no right, but… shit.”

Killua squeezed his eyes shut tight in a desperate attempt to stop the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

With his eyes closed and voice rough from unshed tears, the silver-haired teen let out a shuddering breath and a confession meant only for his own ears.

“I love you, Gon. I think- I think I’m _in_ love with you,” Killua choked a little as a sob rose in his throat. “And I know you’re too good for me, and I would never expect you to return my feelings, but- but do you think- do you think I could stay by your side? For as long as you let me? I- I think that would be enough for me. That’s all I could ever hope for, really.”

Slowly, Killua let go of the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his chest along with his confession. It was freeing. Just once more, he wanted to say it one more time before swearing himself to silence for the rest of his life.

“Gon, I lo—”

Killua was stopped dead in his tracks when his bright blue eyes opened to find soft brown ones staring up at him.

Neither of them moved for what felt like an eternity. Killua was in the midst of his third heart attack of the night, his brain following suit and completely giving out on him.

Gon made the first move, flipping onto his back so he could see Killua without having to twist his neck so unnaturally, but never removing his head from Killua’s lap for even a moment. Without breaking their eye contact, Gon carefully stretched his hand towards Killua’s face, as if he were approaching a stray cat that would be forced into fight or flight mode if startled.

However, Killua wasn’t sure he could have run away even if he wanted to. In fact, part of him _did_ want to get the hell out of here by whatever means necessary. But instead, he was completely paralyzed. He wasn’t sure if it was from fear or shock or something else entirely, but a flip had been switched off and Killua had been rendered immobile and unable to properly process what was happening.

Killua felt the feather-light touch of Gon’s fingertips on his cheek, tracing along his cheekbone and brushing away a stray tear. Ever so gently, he cupped Killua’s cheeks with both hands, his palms cool against the flushed skin.

“Killua, I thought I already told you that I want us to stay together forever, didn’t I? I’m pretty sure I’ve said it more than once, actually.” Gon smiled up at him, his tone open and earnest. “Besides, what’s so selfish about wanting to stay by someone’s side? What’s so wrong with loving someone?”

Gon’s tone was so matter-of-fact, so genuine, that Killua began to question his own thought process. What _was_ so wrong with it? Were these thoughts just more crap that his family had conditioned him to believe? What was so bad about loving someone, really?

As the gears in Killua’s brain slowly cranked back into action, Gon unconsciously began to rub small circles into Killua’s cheeks with his thumbs. The movement alone threatened to shut down Killua’s thoughts again, but luckily he managed to keep it together somehow.

“Do you think I’m selfish for wanting to stay by your side?” Gon asked after a few moments of silence.

Killua’s response came immediately and without any hesitation.

“No.”

Gon’s smile widens for a moment before he bit his bottom lip with just a hint of anxiety in his expression.

This, in turn, made Killua nervous. Why would Gon be anxious? Killua was the one who had just confessed his love for his best friend, _in front of_ his best friend.

Oh. That must’ve been it. Gon probably felt bad about having to tell Killua he didn’t feel the same way. Well, that was silly. Killua already said he didn’t expect his feeling to be returned or for their relationship to change. He decided to set Gon’s mind at ease, but before he found his words, Gon found his own.

“Do you think I’m wrong for loving you?”

What? Killua’s brain must finally be short-circuiting from all the electricity, he couldn’t have heard that right, there’s no way he—

Gon sat up and knelt on the couch next to Killua, his knees nudging Killua’s thigh and his hands never leaving his face.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me loving you, Killua?”

Gon repeated his question, eyes never leaving Killua’s.

Killua just sat there, mouth gaping like a fish out of water. His brain couldn’t register what Gon was saying. Maybe Gon had misunderstood what he meant by love. That must’ve been it, because there was no way Gon loved him as more than a friend.

“Gon, I think— it’s different, you just love me as a friend, I—”

“Yah, Killua, don’t tell me how I feel!” Gon furrowed his brow, his smile melting away and tone growing angry at Killua’s words. “I love you, Killua. I love you as more than a friend. I love you the way Leorio and Kurapika love each other. I love you the way you love me.”

Gon’s anger slowly faded and was replaced with an intensity that left Killua stunned. His gaze was piercing, as if Gon were looking directly into Killua’s soul. But he couldn’t look away. Not after what had just been said. Not after everything the two had just confessed to one another.

Gon loves him. Gon really… actually… genuinely loves him back. There were a million thoughts swirling in his mind, but they were all minuscule compared to this one fact.

Gon loves Killua. Their feelings are mutual.

Out of nowhere, a fit of giggles bubbles up from deep within Killua, the jubilant sounds filling the room and Killua wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to stop. He was just so… so happy.

After a moment of confusion, Gon’s smile returned to his face brighter than ever, and he couldn’t help but to join in on Killua’s infectious laughter.

Once their abrupt laughing fit had subsided, they shared a look filled to the brim with mutual affection and euphoria. For now, nothing more needed to be said. They were still Gon and Killua. They would still travel the world with one another, tease and roughhouse with one another, compete with and care for one another.

In the future, maybe there would be more soft touches and whispered words of affection, more late-night talks and cuddles, more kisses and ‘I love you’s shared between them. But they would never stop being Gon and Killua. They would always be best friends. They just might be something more than best friends, too.

Eventually, the exhausted and slightly slaphappy boys made their way to the only bed in the room, slipping under the covers and entangling their limbs together as they fell into a peaceful slumber. The only sounds to be heard in their small hotel room were soft snores and the steady beating of two hearts in love.

In reality, nothing much had changed between them.

Killua drifted off into a blissful sleep that night, his heart finally free to love and be loved. A soft smile was permanently etched onto his face as he dreamed of chocolate robots and future adventures and, through it all, Gon always by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone should probably take Killua away from me before I end up projecting every emotion I've ever had onto him. I had no intention of writing this, but when an idea hits at 2 am and I have a dissertation to procrastinate, I guess this is the result? I have another KilluGon fic in the works so stay tuned! Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Please feel free to leave comments and kudos they always mean the world to me ^_^


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